A few nights ago, I had a rather interesting brainstorm: for a change of pace (as most of my reviews are more seriously constructed), I would, from time to time, post completely fabricated facts revolving around the movie world. Some will poke fun at silly aspects found (or ignored) in films, while others will satirize the supposedly real happenings of the movie world behind the scenes. Just in case you haven’t seen the films joked at below, a very short synopsis has been added next to its bolded/italicized title. So, this is my first go at it. . . feel free to let me know what you think in the comments section below (and why not try your hand at creating something fun revolving around a feature you’ve recently seen).
A Quiet Place – In a world overrun by aliens that hunt by sound, a rural family lives in silence, attempting to forge a life in this dangerous new world.
In the already abysmal housing market in A Quiet Place, hardwood floors actually detract would-be buyers – after all, who wants creaking floorboards when silence is paramount (see photo above).
The bestselling new product of 2020 is the reverse whoopee cushion – a device used to suppress all gas related noise.
Lady Bird – The coming of age story of a seventeen year old girl finding her way through those tumultuous teenage years in Sacramento, California (struggles ensue within their family dynamic as well as within the Catholic school she attends).
Despite popular belief, communion wafers that have not been blessed by the priest do not provide any additional Heaven-related aid – though they do contain a surprising amount of calories.
Historians were upset when they discovered that the film was not about First Lady, Lady Bird Johnson (this would be a good ‘before and after’ category on Wheel of Fortune), but rather a teenage girl growing up in Sacramento, circa 2002.
Three Billboards Outside of Ebbing, Missouri – After the police have failed to do their job, a mother, whose daughter was raped and murdered, rents three billboards in an attempt to challenge the local authorities.
Looking for reasonably priced advertising, do not head to Ebbing, Missouri, where three billboards on a rarely used back road will cost you sixty thousand dollars a year. . . don’t even ask about the costs for renting billboards on major streets and highways closer to town.
Mad Max: Fury Road – In a post-apocalyptic world, a drifter named Max helps a woman escape the wrath of a tyrannical ruler – her goal, to find an oasis in this dying, sand-strewn landscape.
The Mad Max Rockatansky hood ornament was one of the most stolen automobile emblems of the year.
The 40 Year Old Virgin/It Follows – The first film is exactly as it sounds, while the second finds a sexually active teen being hunted by a mysterious supernatural force – like a game of dominoes, the ghoul works its way though its victims in order from first to last (meaning that you can pass on the murderous spectre by having sex with someone else).
In a surprising announcement, the producers of The 40 Year Old Virgin and It Follows have announced a crossover sequel – the working title is “It Ignores”.
Phantom Thread – The tale of a well renowned, very structured dressmaker who meets a woman. . . she soon becomes both his inspiration and lover.
Despite its Academy Award Best Picture nomination, Phantom Thread struggled to make a dent at the box office. . . early issues arose when a group of overzealous comic book film fans arrived at the theatre thinking it was about an invisible ghost seamstress that designs the costumes for Marvel’s Avengers, sewing up not only their outfits, but also mending their fractured team – uniting them through perfectly woven spandex. Needless to say, word got out online, partially leading to the low returns.
Christopher Nolan/Tom Hardy
In a bizarre manoeuvre, following Tom Hardy’s fabulous turn as Eames in Inception, Christopher Nolan realized that the actor needed a challenge, writing into all following contracts (think The Dark Knight Rises and Dunkirk) that his face must be partially covered for nearly the entire picture. . . rumours are that their next project together will be a remake of the classic hero Zorro.
Get Out – An African American twenty-something heads out to the burbs with his white girlfriend to meet her folks, as this is a horror movie, things take an ominous turn.
Keegan-Michael Key, feeding off of the success of his good friend Jordan Peele, has come up with his own idea for a feature. With a working title of Ghetto Out, the story follows an African American woman who invites her Caucasian boyfriend home to visit her family. . . the man is surprised to discover that he fits right in, those living in the ghetto seeming rather white despite the colour of their skin.
Darkest Hour – A biopic on British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, which focuses on a brief period of time as he took over the post from Neville Chamberlain.
Quickly pushed into pre-production, the team behind Darkest Hour have decided to bring back Gary Oldman in the role of Winston Churchill – but this time, the entire film will be a musical set to the song stylings of James Brown. Titled Get Up Offa That Thing – A D-Day Story, I cannot claim to have completely come up with this idea on my own, as there is a hilarious video of Oldman grooving to James Brown while in full Churchill wardrobe and makeup – check out this link, it will make your day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eg0O8CVGySo
Wonder Woman – The origin story of Diana Prince, the superhero known as Wonder Woman, as she leaves her safeguarded home and gets embroiled in the horrors of World War I with a godly supernatural twist.
Is your ear for accents having trouble deciphering the dialect heard coming from the many women living on the hidden island of Themyscira – it is not your fault, as the countless years they have spent studying languages and history has provided them with the innate ability for their accent to change at a moment’s notice, making it nearly impossible to place.