A tradition every October here on Filmizon.com, I’ve decided that I would highlight some of the horror movies that did not meet my strict criteria (a rating of 7.0 or higher). . . as I realized that they are still entertaining films (horror fanatics may enjoy) that do not deserve to be locked away in an attic, never to be seen again – and that they are definitely worth a watch (just maybe not several re-watches).
As the introduction to my month (and a bit) of horror reviews, I’ve already been powering through a plethora of horror features as we speed towards Halloween, and, instead of posting one massive selection of Missed the Bloody Cut reviews at the end of October, I have decided to break it into two parts.
With an as low-as-you-can-go budget, Xtro 3: Watch the Skies (1995. . . and who knew there was one, let alone three of these films), written by Daryl Haney and directed by Harry Bromley Davenport, is a weird sort of hybrid of Alien and Predator – except, instead of some sort of scary, super-sized extraterrestrial creature with violent talons, menacing futuristic weapons or cool dreads, you get an alien that looks like it would have a tough time winning a battle royale against ALF and E.T.
Following a group of misfit Marines, they are being sent by frequent-phone-using Major Guardino (Robert Culp) to a deserted island (that has somehow been forgotten about since World War II), to ‘supposedly’ disarm any possible explosives left there. . . as it was a former test site (and they now plan to reuse it as a fuelling station for their ships). Yet, we the audience know that all is not right. From the throwback opening (that shows an alien coverup from the 1950s – Roswell, anyone?) to the followup sequence – which shows a near insane Lt. Martin Kirn (Sal Landi) meeting with a newspaper reporter, clearly things will not end well. As Kirn starts to recite his story to the reporter, if feels like we’ve all seen this before. . . shady higher ups doing their thing (including selecting a group of gross underachievers for a secretive task no one knows about).
Though Kirn has some power, it is actually shady Cpt. Fetterman (Andrew Divoff – the best of the bunch) who will be calling the shots. Arriving on the island, the horror is evident. . . lush forests covering up whatever ruins were left, an excess of fluffy bunny rabbits. . . oh, wait – there is also a disturbing burial pit and a survivor (Virgil Frye) who has gone insane from the many years spent alone on the island (I guess we’ll have to take the good with the bad).
Yet, hidden in the middle of this seemingly rather normal looking island, is a giant cement box that accidentally gets blown open. . . releasing an alien hellbent on revenge. Utilizing its sticky spider webs, acidic spit, extendible tongue, and invisible powers, this vile extraterrestrial slowly picks off the lame Marines one at a time.
A film to be enjoyed late at night with a group of your friends who can have fun with such a below B grade movie, this poorly edited, choppy, lackluster story can actually be enjoyable. Creating a triangular battle of inept marines versus evil military higher ups. . . and then throwing the otherworldly being into the mix, makes for some sloppy fun – despite the fact that the alien is not overly freaky (especially since it seems like you could simply punt the tiny guy about fifty yards away and then just keep running). . .yet, it is a sadistic little weasel. . . using every dirty trick in the book to put an end to each and every human being in sight (and when we learn of its back-story, you can understand why). Plus, some of the set design – especially within the alien’s cement base, is quite impressive.
With wooden acting to match the woodsy setting, a last suggestion is to keep your eyes open for Prvt. Friedman, for he is played by Jim Hanks – Tom’s lookalike brother that nearly no one seems to know is an actor (look quickly and you’ll wonder why an Oscar winning actor decided to do such a film – I guess it kind of makes sense. . . Forrest Gump is a great name for a wooden actor). So, I’ll leave it up to you as to whether you want to Xtrocate yourself from this one or not. . . unlike the Marines, the choice is yours.
1984’s Zombie Island Massacre, directed by John N. Carter, has a rather interesting title – why. . . because there aren’t really any zombies in it; while the characters do board a boat – there is never much semblance of them actually being on an island (though they are, as it was actually filmed in Jamaica). . . meaning that only ‘massacre’ truly speaks to this low budget horror movie – a word that could both describe what is seen onscreen and the final product.
A bizarre slasher flick that comes across a bit like an R rated combination of Gilligan’s Island meets Scooby-Doo, much of the fun comes from its rather obvious odes to a number of better films. Opening with a shot that is somewhat reminiscent of Brian De Palma’s beginnings to both Dressed to Kill and Blow Out, we find Sandy (Rita Jenrette) startled in the shower. For those of you who do not recall the actress’s name, she was married to U.S. Representative John Jenrette. . . a politician who got caught taking a bribe during the Abscam investigation of 1980. Hitting the circuit, Rita appeared on the Phil Donahue Show, testified in defence of her husband, gave an interview for Playboy in 1981 (as well as a nude pictorial). . . following it up with another appearance in the magazine in 1984, and, after leaving her husband (in 1981), started capitalizing on her so-called fame by making a few low budget horror films – you just can’t write this stuff.
Sandy, along with a small group of tourists, decide to get on a tour bus that takes a trek to a lesser visited Caribbean island. Led by a cheerful Tour Guide (Dennis Stephenson), they are taken to what many of them deem to be a phony voodoo religious ceremony (the only moment which features the semblance of a zombie – this theme will never come back into play, which is a shame – the few zombie effects add an unusually fetching atmosphere to the piece), only for the group to return to the bus and find their driver missing. . . some substance that looks like blood coloured paint smeared on the vehicle. The keys in the ignition, it just won’t start – cue the eerie music.
With that, the Guide heads out to a payphone he knows is close by. . . never to come back. Stranding the tourists (two of which – a honeymooning couple, are already missing), they decide to head back down the road – for one of the guests spotted a lonely house along the way. A difficult journey for the group, photographer Paul (David Broadnax – the film’s producer who also came up with the premise for the story) leads this ragtag faux team through the jungle towards the difficult to get to house.
Somewhat surprisingly, the characters are not complete dolts. Yet, mistakes are made, and one by one, they are picked off by the elusive murderer – often looking like some sort of very slim seaweed man – definitely Scooby-Doo-esque. Eventually, some of them do arrive at the aforementioned home (a large, quite striking white structure). . . leading to a zombieless Night of the Living Dead style conclusion.
It might not surprise you to learn that most of the people associated with this production don’t have a second credit to their name. A fly by night project with some merit, it fits nicely within the realm of the slasher craze. . . a score accompanying it from the ever popular Harry Manfredini (Friday the 13th). Though the acting is not Oscar worthy, it isn’t actually half bad (better than the aforementioned Xtro 3). . . the actors playing their roles with some competence and believability. And, in an animated sort of way, it is kind of fun watching a Scooby-Doo/Gilligan’s Island-style mystery unfold in a very adult world – the characters forced to become the so-called ‘Professor’ and improvise with what they have – which is not much. Though this is by no means a drug that you will get addicted to, feel free to experience Zombie Island Massacre – it will appeal to the slasher fan in you.
You really can’t beat James Hong. Arguably the greatest Asian-American actor of all-time, he currently has a whopping four hundred and thirty-nine acting credits. 91 years old and still going strong, he got his start in small roles opposite Clark Gable (Soldier of Fortune), William Holden (Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing), and John Wayne (Blood Alley), all in his first year of acting – 1955. If you do not know him by name, it is nearly impossible to fathom that you haven’t seen (or heard) him in something. . . I’ll just throw a few highlights out at you – Chinatown, Airplane!, Blade Runner, Big Trouble In Little China, Seinfeld (“The Chinese Restaurant” episode), Wayne’s World 2, Mulan, Balls of Fury, Kung Fu Panda, R.I.P.D. . . .
And, the more you dive into him, the more you learn. For instance, did you know that James Hong starred in a porno (as a mob boss who doesn’t get involved in any of the action) called China Girl. . . or that he a writer/director? Speaking of the latter (I’ll leave it up to you to research the former), 1989’s The Vineyard finds Hong not only co-writing and co-directing, but also starring in this eclectic horror film.
Hong plays Dr. Elson Po, a man of many skills. . . including acupuncturist, massage therapist, love guru, prolific winemaker, renowned traveller, financial mastermind, mad scientist, voodoo fanatic, alchemist. . . and, wait for it, film producer (now we know he’s a sicko). With one of the most renowned vineyards on the planet (tucked away from the world on his own private island), the very private man is an enigma to the outside world. . . what they don’t know – he has somehow utilized ancient Chinese jade whilst worshipping a Mayan god to survive well past his vintage. . . though his real goal is to achieve life eternal.
With bottles of his famous wine selling for tens of thousands of dollars, a small number of would-be actors, most notably, perky blonde Jezebel Fairchild (Karen Lorre, billed as Karen Witter), as well as a youthful journalist, Jeremy Young (Michael Wong), are excited to have the chance to audition for the producer’s new project.
After a wild party, full of weird dancing and unusual snacks, they quickly learn that this island might not hold the big break they were hoping it would. Patrolled by Dr. Po’s lamely dressed and vicious security team – which is led by his right hand man, Warrior (the film’s producer, Harry Mok), they are there to deal with potential problems, including zombie invasions (for the mad scientist’s victims continually try to rise from the grave to get revenge) and unwanted guests.
Soon, some of these sexually adventurous young actors go missing. . . but where could they be? Maybe they’ve just returned to the mainland. . . unlikely. Perhaps they are in one of those ancient wooden wine vats to add that certain ‘je ne sais quoi’. . . could be. Mayhaps they are locked in the maniacal man’s dungeon. . . who the hell uses an archaic word like mayhaps anymore? What we do know is that Hong and Mok (who are credited with the story), along with co-director William Rice, throw everything at you but the kitchen sink – zombies, voodoo, Mayan gods, kung fu, bloodletting, spiders, snakes, Dr. Po’s wrinkled mother locked in an attic room – and you thought he was old, nudity – thankfully not including his aforementioned mother, and some of the scariest fashion you’ll ever see. . . basically, an entire season’s worth of Scooby-Doo episodes, with an R rated tinge, all wrapped up into one kitschy clash.
Though the acting (other than Hong’s – he is clearly having a ball in a cheesy role that is somewhat reminiscent of a Jekyll/Hyde character fused with a Vincent Price creation) is wooden – which seems pretty typical for these types of 80s movies, and the story is a bit loosey goosey, the effects (on a budget that came in just shy of a quarter of a million dollars) are surprisingly impressive – with Po’s transformations that of Universal Wolf-Man perfection. . . the zombie make-up is pretty darn good as well. Also, the on location shooting in northern California (including in and around the Dunsmuir Estate in Oakland, as well as two wineries) is absolutely fabulous. . . from the white pillared mansion and the old dark-wooden casks, to the lush grounds that make it look like these people are on an endless isle with no escape, it makes the movie much richer looking than it should be.
A bit of frivolous late night horror fun, The Vineyard will give people a new appreciation of the dynamo that is James Hong. Though by no means a great film, it is enjoyable. . . and shows Hong’s attempts to help the Asian American acting community – casting not only himself, but also Michael Wong as the hero of the picture (you can’t say that about too many movies). So, help this film find eternal life by tracking it down. . . I hope you enjoy its most unusual blend.