‘What Could Have Been’ is a continuing look into the reels of film history, analysing movies that could have been something special, but due to problems with script, production, budgetary, or any other type of issue, did not reach its full potential.
Do you know what you get when you cross Tina Louise and Adam West? For anyone who said Ginger Batman, you would be completely wrong. You’ve actually somehow found your way to the 1984, below B exploitation action movie Hell Riders, directed by James Bryan.
If you read the introductory ‘What Could Have Been’ paragraph above, this one has it all. . . problems with script, production, budget, and anything else you could imagine might be wrong with a motion picture.
An entertainingly bad western-style action movie missing any of the class of a Billy Jack (and a film like that didn’t have a ton of class), the narrative follows traveller Claire Delaney (Tina Louise), a woman who is having a rather difficult time with her clunker of an automobile. With her car failing her on a desert highway, she takes the first turn off possible. . . a dirt road that leads to a middle of nowhere old west ghost town called Ramsburg.
On her way to the off the beaten path locale, she has the unfortunate luck of bumping into the Hell Riders. . . a degenerate biker gang led by slithery Snake (Russ Alexander), and other thugs, including the aptly named female, Knife (Renee Harmon – the film’s co-writer and producer), religious spouting Father (Frank Neuhaus) and his nearly constantly nude Angel (Melanie Scott), as well as a slew of other ruthless deviants. They are so wild that even a rival biker gang has shunned them – this is where richly written dialogue like this comes into play: “Who do you think you are – Adolf Hitler, Rommel and Bela Lugosi all rolled up into one shit-covered gob?”. . . or, “You’re crazy and stupid. I catch you screwing around my club again, I’m gonna have your fuckin’ nuts for earrings!” – with vivid writing like this, you’ll be shocked to learn it didn’t get a Best Original Screenplay nomination at the Academy Awards. Yet, perhaps more than anything, the Hell Riders infuriate people, not because of their dangerous knife play or their rowdy behaviour, but rather, for their amazing penchant for driving well below the speed limit at all times (chases have never looked slower).
Anyways, Claire is finally able to sneak away from the Hell Riders, dropping off her car at a mechanic’s shop on the dirt road before making her way to the ghost town where she gets some real southern hospitality from Sheriff Jim Bates (Jerry Ratay), who basically ignores her report on the biker gang and finishes by calling her a Vegas prostitute – telling her to get out of his town. Before leaving, she meets up with the town’s sole Doctor (and no, I don’t mean a podiatrist), Dave Stanley (Adam West), an avid runner and an actual gentleman who, for some reason, talks just like tv’s Batman.
Funnily enough, Claire isn’t the only tourist in town. . . married couple Allen (Dennis Mancini) and Vera (Lynn Whitmire) have also found their way to Ramsburg – they too come face to face with the terrorism of the Hell Riders. . . her first thought, “we’re going to get raped.”. . . his response, “We?” – a marriage made to last. An avid photographer, Allen is a master with the Polaroid (for some reason, his only camera). . . especially fond of snapping images of nude Angel – again, a marriage made to last.
After Claire returns to the mechanic, she learns that her car won’t be ready til tomorrow. . . and, with the only motel in town now closed (I wonder why no tourists make it to the motel), it is the ever hospitable Sheriff who now takes guests in. Surprise, surprise, the Sheriff will later try to woo the woman – after all, who wouldn’t want to sleep with the aged, overweight and long married hick Sheriff who has already insulted you numerous times before?
But, before this, the Hell Riders make their way into town. . . looking for breakfast with a healthy side of trouble. Roughing up the townsfolk (big shocker – the Sheriff is nowhere to be found. . . and the town’s one officer – a brave soul, decides to continue eating breakfast while pretending that nothing is happening), the Doctor decidedly leaves his office, dawns a baseball cap, and opens a can of whoop ass on Snake and the bikers. . . the only thing missing (“Kapow!”, “Biff!” and “Pow!”). Telling them to get out of town, they acquiesce (though the bikers might not know what that word means).
Another rather unique storyline finds the Sheriff’s daughter, Suzy (Chris Haramis), who befriends Claire when she moves in for the night, engaged to the town’s simpleton mechanic, Joe (Frank Millen). . . a white haired, fifty-something year old friend of the Sheriff’s who walks around all day carrying a football (clearly reliving his glory days as the third string quarterback on his high school team) – yet he must be the most eligible bachelor, because Suzy’s waitress friends all talk about him like he’s Burt Reynolds fresh from The Longest Yard (jealously, they claim they could treat the man right).
Yet we soon learn that this ghost town could basically be on Gilligan’s Island, for there is no one around to help for (what seems like) hundreds of miles. Wait, is that Batman coming to save the day with Robin? ? ? No, sorry – its just Father and a nude Angel out for a joyride in their motorcycle and sidecar (was wondering why it looked like Robin had a choke collar on). With the Hell Riders now setting their sights on the town (after all, the Sheriff gave them a stern talking to after they murdered two tourists – who wouldn’t be upset and want revenge?), can anything, even the Doctor, save the townsfolk from a full on assault? Could Joe relive his glory days by rifling a football to the face of one of the motorcycle driving weirdos? If so, might the heads of all the single women in town explode like the over aroused Austin Powers fembots? Might Claire have a Professor-like inspiration – allowing her to come up with a clever way to defeat the Hell Riders?
Though by no means gracefully made, there is something absolutely fabulous about seeing two gargantuan 60s icons working together in this film that skipped theatres all together and went straight to video. The story and pacing may be a bit of a mess, but it is so much fun watching what amounts to drifter Ginger and doctor Batman cope with a grungy, modern western-style exploitation scenario. Filmed for only eighty grand in ten short days, both stars earned ten grand for a single day’s work. . . basically, every close up is them (the rest, body doubles – actually, this is why they are both wearing ridiculous hats throughout the film). You could really imagine that, with more time, money, a different supporting cast, and a little more nuance, this actually could have been a long celebrated, winning B movie premise.
A blink and you’ll miss it movie that has mostly stayed hidden since its initial release, Hell Riders may someday become a cheesy cult favourite if enough people are able to find it. Silly, sloppy fun, its messy story and cringe-worthy acting, when mixed with the gusto brought to the piece by two genre icons from the 60s, makes for perfect late night viewing. So, check this one out for the hell of it. . . you’re in for one bumpy ride.