Part 2 of my Missed the Bloody Cut horror selections, here are some more horror movies that did not meet my strict criteria (a rating of 7.0 or higher). . . but are still entertaining films (horror fanatics may enjoy) that do not deserve to be forgotten like that spooky attic (that may be hiding more than just dust) – and that they are definitely worth a watch (just maybe not several re-watches).
What do you get when you bring together a porno director, a Sweeney Todd inspired story, Mr. Miyagi, a Playboy playmate, and an Oscar nominated actress? A most bizarre C movie that is so bad, it’s kinda good. At least one thing’s for sure, 1992’s Auntie Lee’s Meat Pies should make you rethink ever entering a pie eating contest.
Centred on Auntie Lee (Karen Black – Burnt Offerings) and her prepossessing nieces, she is like Charlie managing her Angels. . . albeit in a rather alarming way. Sending Sky (Pía Reyes), Coral (Teri Weigel), Magnolia (Ava Fabian), and Fawn (Kristine Rose) out to track down her secret recipe. . . and no, I’m not talking about the herbs and spices, let’s just say that drifter men fawn all over them. As for the Bosley in this equation, Auntie’s rather twisted brother, Larry (Michael Berryman), is the handyman, cleaner and all-round aid.
Yet this small community, completely enamored with those juicy dishes, think these gals are as sweet as apple pie. They’ve got the sole lawman, Chief Koal (Pat Morita – The Karate Kid), hoodwinked, even as a number of woebegone travelers disappear on their way through the small town. One such missing person is being tracked by private detective Harold Ivars (David Perry). . . possible trouble for the gals? With a large order to fill, the ladies turn their attention to their most recent would-be victims, a hair band – a Mötley Crüe that couldn’t kick start anyone’s heart.
Surprisingly well directed, Joseph F. Robertson (who also co-writes), clearly learning something while on his many adult productions (pen name: Adele Robbins), not only shows competency, but also some very creative angles – from inside a trunk, reflection from a side-view mirror, and an off-kilter cellar staircase shot, each moment demonstrating some impressive skill. He also tries to show you some never before seen things on film: a guy taking a big puff of a cigarette between each bite of a meat pie; a man having an extremely serious conversation with a spare tire; a New York city asshole – check that, don’t think it’s that uncommon after all. . . let’s have another go – how about an adult baby. . . no, that’s rather common too.
Anyways, you’ll also get to enjoy some stellar dialogue – here’s an example: Magnolia – “Do you like to make love?”; Harold Ivars – “Didn’t I tell you I’m a professional dick.” So cheesy that the ladies could spin their business off and start making tiramisu for dessert, the script is simple and sappy. . . everyone playing it that way but straight-faced Morita (though he does brandish a katana to make a point). Matching this softcore kitschiness is a rather deep dive that hurls us into the absurd the further we go. Transforming into a DayGlo, kaleidoscopic, almost glow in the dark horror rave as we begin to enter the girls’ bedrooms, it is confounding, kinda cool, if an absolute curveball.
Perfect for a late night foray into the bargain bin of horror, Auntie Lee’s Meat Pies is everything butt lean. Busty, over the top, and brain numbing, Robertson throws a lot at you. . . some of it working, some of it not. Two other noteworthy cameos – Pat Paulsen, the comedian often seen on The Smothers Brothers appears as a Minister, while 1940s East Side Kids (aka. Bowery Boys) tough street kid Huntz Hall plays the Farmer some fifty years after his fame. And, for credit watchers, a final question: why does Pat Morita need his own hair and makeup assistant while no one else did? Though his mustache did look sharp. So, chew on this horror feature, it’s up to you to decide whether it’s a tasty or tasteless dish.
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Somewhat reminiscent of an old Norm Macdonald joke – “in my opinion, if you’re going to fight the war on terror, a good place to start would be this nation’s haunted houses”, the Canadian comedian might have been correct after you see 1987’s Dark Tower, co-directed by Freddie Francis and Ken Wiederhorn (though it’s more like the former replaced the latter).
Located in Barcelona, Spain, an American company, led by architect Carolyn Page (Jenny Agutter), is in the midst of finishing a dominating glass structure. With the expansive lobby near completion, otherwise, it seems like every other floor still needs a lot of work.
The terror comes from the fact bizarre (and violent) happenings continue to occur. . . an outdoor window washer getting tossed from the building after bashing his head on the glass (not to mention the poor sap he lands on), an elevator ride that makes the Disney ride pale in comparison (perhaps ‘hellevator dive’ would be a better term), excessive gun violence in the lobby. . . the list goes on and on.
Though all very terrifying, you have to wonder if many of these scary aspects are simply shoddy craftsmanship – screws pop out, light bulbs blow, elevators fail, and the cement foundation crumbles. Perhaps even more perplexing, somehow construction is back up and going a few hours after a mass shooting in the building’s lobby – clearly crime scenes in Spain don’t matter much. . . don’t expect much aid from any of the cops either.
Yet, there is a security consultant called in (a man who is supposed to be on vacation), Dennis Randall (Michael Moriarty), who takes an interest in the case. . . and in Carolyn too. Spotting a sharply dressed, out of shape, elderly spirit haunting the locale, Dennis turns to parapsychologist researcher Max Gold (Theodore Bikel) in order to hone his own skills that seem to have developed since spotting the specter. Gold brings in contact Sergie (Kevin McCarthy), a reclusive and paranoid psychic who is looking to get out – like that will happen when spirits can just walk through walls. Together, the triumvirate, doing what the cops won’t, attempt to exorcize the building and save Carolyn.
Pretty lackluster until the very end, you’ll finally see some decent highlights – Gold having a heart to heart with the heating and cooling system (thinking it is the ghost) is not one of them – clearly a man desperate to make contact with something from the other side. There will be a final reveal – a solid if predictable one, and a late twist that makes this feel a little more zombie than spirit.
Not to be confused with the Stephen King adaptation, Dark Tower is an intriguing premise mostly left unfulfilled. Though there are some fun performances, and a solid ending, too much of it lacks spooks, scares, or enough narrative driving force to keep the viewer interested in the tale. So, build yourself up to see this 80s horror flick. . . though it might still feel like it’s under construction.