A tradition every October here on Filmizon.com, I’ve decided that I would highlight some of the horror movies that did not meet my strict criteria (a rating of 7.0 or higher). . . as I realized that they are still entertaining films (horror fanatics may enjoy) that do not deserve to be like an unseen spirit, never to be noticed again – and that they are definitely worth a watch (just maybe not several re-watches).
As the introduction to my month (and a bit) of horror reviews, I’ve already been powering through a plethora of horror features as we speed towards Halloween, and, instead of posting one massive selection of Missed the Bloody Cut reviews at the end of October, I have decided to break it into several parts.
Perhaps one of the most lackluster takes on Agatha Christie’s “And Then There Were None”, writer/director William T. Naud’s 1982 film Whodunit (also known as Island of Blood) might have you asking ‘Whytheydunit’ – fun fact, it is not even filmed on an island.
Following a group of amateur actors who have been cast in their first movie (a meta aspect finds this to be the case for most of the actual actors playing these roles), they have been hired for a positive message high school rock musical by an illusive producer (Terence Goodman) and his eager, if pretentious writer/director, Franklin Phlem (Ron Gardner) – no, I didn’t just cough.
Filming on a small unpopulated island (not really) with a dilapidated school (who was the idiot who built a school on a deserted island – in reality, they didn’t), they will all live in the dusty home found on the same property.
Transported to the so-called island by a seafaring, teen-hating, red headed Renaissance man, Bert (Jared McVay) – he will be their captain, their chef, their caretaker, and their drill sergeant – trust me, he won’t miss any opportunity to insult the teens he is being forced to cater to, so let’s just say they are in good hands. . . though they aren’t.
The cast comprises throaty BJ (Bari Suber) – a young actress who knows how to marry rich men who suddenly die (and, just to clarify, BJ stands for Betty Jean for any dirty minded individuals); two musicians, Phil (Steven Tash) and Taylor (G. Rocket Phillips) – one of which has a criminal background; classically trained dancer Donna (Marie-Alise Recasner); broken footed, crutch using Lyn (Jeanine Marie) – that detail must come into play somehow (oh wait, she just broke her foot a week before the shoot and they were too lazy to write it into the script); nerdy John (Jim Piper); and overly cocky Jim (Rick Dean). But wait, there’s more – a Mayoral real estate agent with police powers simply known as ‘Mayor’ (Michael Stroka). . . should we be suspicious of one man who wields so much local power (or again, is it just poor writing)?
Centred on an obnoxiously poor punk rock tune that plays on a transistor radio of sorts and foreshadows the coming deaths. . . you start to wonder after hearing it a few times whether the cast is just offing themselves so they don’t have to hear it again.
Sloppily plotted, you could argue that it works. . . as so many would-be killers turn out to be red herrings until the final reveal (which was actually surprisingly good). Whether this was purposely done or not is for you to decide. Lacking suspense, much of an atmosphere, or any true horror, it does bring forth some laughs. . . for instance, BJ, attempting to act sexy for the director, tries to blow out a candle she is holding (only to fail), halfheartedly doing it a second time, she continues the scene (moments like this somehow make it into the final cut).
Whether you call it Whodunit or Island of Blood, beware of nail guns, poor scripts (the one being filmed in the movie is no better), acid (but no wit), harpoon guns, suspect editing, boiling pools (and lobster), dodgy effects, a rifle, poor direction and wooden acting – in other words, it really has it all. And, to prove that, how can you beat this threat from John: [holding a lit candle] “Stay away! Stay away or I’ll burn you”. Though this may be no island vacation, you might just find out that life’s a beach – sorry, spelling error, I meant bitch.
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There is no denying that 1987’s Rest in Pieces is a rather clever title. . . though it might be one of the more misleading titles in film history (and the poster doesn’t help). Suggesting a wild slasher flick, outside of one throwaway sequence, this is more of a ghastly haunted house movie (and no, I didn’t mean ghostly).
A rare film that Spaniard José Ramón Larraz (Whirlpool; Vampyres) made for the English market, his screenwriter, Santiago Moncada, follows a very old premise. . . a newly married couple, wooden Helen (Lorin Jean Vail) and greedy former tennis hack Bob Hewitt (Scott Thompson Baker), have been lucky enough to inherit an entire block of manor houses and millions of dollars from Helen’s little known aunt, Catherine Boyle (Dorothy Malone – The Big Sleep). How do they find this information out. . . her auntie has created a visual will/snuff film – yikes.
Moving to the secluded street, the couple are ecstatic with their new lots in life. Immediately meeting sexually charged maid, Lisa (Carole James), and stern German gardener, Louis (Daniel Katz) – not too sure what he’s been doing, because the landscaping is atrocious. . . though we know what Lisa has been doing, they are shocked to discover that her aunt has numerous other benefactors: controlling psychiatrist Dr. Anderson (Jeffrey Segal); a blind guy who always seems to find his way, David Hume (Jack Taylor); blunt Gertrude Stein (Patty Shepard); simple-minded Jack Ritchy (Fernando Bilbao). . . she even has a hack novelist, Stuart Whitmore (David Rose), and talkative Irish priest (Robert Case) on the payroll. Relishing their time, they live, free of charge, in six of the eight properties on the estate. . . riding horses, attending classical concerts, holding masses and meetings, as well as so much more. Lisa and Louis are ultra pumped when they notice their previous boss’s ashes have found their way back into the house (after Helen accidentally drops them). . . you’d think the maid would be upset that she has more dusting to do.
With these unknown guests spooking new owner Helen, things only worsen when the clothing they’ve placed in their armoire starts getting disorganized – talk about a ‘boo’doir. And no, I’m not kidding you, this is one of the silliest attempted scares I’ve ever seen in a movie. Of course, bone-chilling hauntings will continue to occur – a shower curtain falls from its rod, food is not eaten (bringing mice into the home), car lights turn on, the wind will blow, and a toupee is found. . . I know, I know, I should stop – I don’t want any of you getting nightmares from these horrifying happenings. But, most frightening of all, Helen starts to spot her aunt around the grounds (like she couldn’t take out the octogenarian). Starting to piece things together, will Helen and Bob be able to find where her aunt hid her millions before things get out of control – yes, one of them might get tossed into the indoor swimming pool (THE HORROR, THE HORROR!).
A campy, sub-par horror adventure, Rest in Pieces is best enjoyed from within your own armoire – so you don’t have to see the screen. All joking aside, it is great to see Malone in her second to last screen role, while the lack of scares bring with it an almost head-scratching type of humour. It is also worth noting that there are a few decent twists as well as a rewarding enough ending. So, attempt to escape this one if you can, but don’t be surprised if a piece of you wants to see this flick just to experience a messier armoire than your own.