The second Missed the Bloody Cut horror selection of this 2024, here are some more horror movies that did not meet my strict criteria (a rating of 7.0 or higher). . . but are still entertaining films (horror fanatics may enjoy) that do not deserve to be ignored like an ever growing group of peckish birds – and that are definitely worth a watch (just maybe not several re-watches).
Okay, hold onto your seats for this wildly unexpected announcement. . . there’s a sequel to the Alfred Hitchcock classic The Birds. A tv movie titled The Birds II: Land’s End was released some thirty-one years after the original in 1963 (directed by Rick Rosenthal). I know what you’re thinking. . . how did I not know about this? Well, for good reason – it’s awfowl (sorry, I mean awful). . . but here we go.
For your information, I might be taking some slight comedic leaps and bounds here. Melanie Daniels (Tippi Hedren), still fearing from her west coast experience after dealing with those nasty birds, has packed up and moved to the east coast, finding a home on the secluded island town of Land’s End. Even changing her name to Helen in order to avoid those pesky Californian chickadees, she has disguised herself as a general store owner instead of wealthy socialite. Clever thinking.
But she’ll only be a wise woman and advisor in this story, while the true narrative follows husband and wife Ted (Brad Johnson) and May (Chelsea Field), along with their two daughters, Jill (Stephanie Milford) and Joanna (Megan Gallacher). Looking for a summer getaway from the mainland, May has found a couple month gig helping newspaper owner and famed photographer Frank (James Naughton) set up his new tech-infused system, while Ted tries working on his scientific Master’s thesis – but not really.
Having lost a young son along the way, Ted is wallowing in his own thoughts, while May has done her best to move on. What you might call on the rocks, it does not take long for confident Frank to put his lame moves on May – might they actually work? Unhappy Ted turns to the town’s so-called local quack, lighthouse manager Karl (Jan Rubes), who keeps warning everyone of a massive attack coming from our supposed feathered friends from above.
And despite everyone’s guffaws, he might not actually be on a wild goose chase. The birds seem to have taken a few college courses themselves, as they send in spy Egberd to scout out the family’s house and pretend to be May’s pet. Soon flying the coop, just what is that sketchy Egberd relaying to his passerine friends? In short order, people are being birdie injured or turning up mysteriously dead, but thankfully Doc Rayburn (Richard K. Olsen) is also the mayor. . . and says there is nothing to worry about – he must have gone to Mayor Larry Vaughn’s (of Jaws for those in the know) school of ignorance is bliss.
Soon their plan is clear: disassemble everything that gives human beings an edge, and then kill everyone – starting with the eyes. Experts in cutting phone lines, taking down power grids, dismantling motors, and penetrating solid structures, can our family escape this growing avian attack? Can Melanie, I mean Helen, evade her second bird bombing? Might mayor Doc Rayburn somehow hold his office for another term like his idol, Larry Vaughn?
A mess of a movie, it is still the sequel to The Birds. Missing all the subtlety, suspense, substance, and style of the original, it does have some ludicrous bird kills and effects that at times look half decent. A highlight has to be when the Doc and his loser friends take a break from playing pool to challenge the thousands of birds with a couple of shotguns – they clearly mistook shooting fish in a barrel for birds! Also, let’s face it, it is never a good sign when director Rosenthal decides to use pseudonym Alan Smithee instead – the industry name utilized when a director wants to disown a project. Though not coming recommended, it might be viewing for true completionists and fans of birdbrain film schemes. So, I don’t blame you if you chicken out on this horror film, flipping it the bird – I know, lame duck.
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I know what you’re thinking – ‘Snakes…why’d it have to be snakes?’ Like Indiana Jones himself, many do not like these slithery creatures, but Tim Ochopee (Chris Robinson) is not one of them. With the title named after his pet snake Stanley (1972), brace yourself for lots of them.
With numerous creature features exploding onto the scene after the huge success of 1971’s Willard, co-writer/director William Grefé got the idea from a vivid nightmare he had about serpents. Following the above mentioned Seminole Indian, the former Vietnam vet finds a disdain for other human beings – instead finding peace residing in the middle of the Everglades with Stanley and numerous other snakes.
Finding a burgeoning business selling their poison to an antidote maker and loaning them to an aging stripper, Gloria Calvin (Marcia Knight), it pays his marginal bills. But soon racist fashion designer Richard Thomkins (Alex Rocco – The Godfather) comes knocking with his goons, Crail Denning (Steve Alaimo), Bob Wilson (Mark Harris). . . and later, ‘Psycho’ Simpson (Paul Avery). Looking for snakes that will be used to make boots and belts that he can sell for loads of cash in France, Tim sends them packing. . . but not before making some greedy enemies.
Combining some Willard themes with a bit of a Billy Jack infusion (until it disappears completely towards the end), Tim will defend the natural habitat from these poachers. . . spurred on even further after learning that they killed his father for no real reason. Using his snakes to eliminate his many enemies, there will be a lot to sink one’s teeth into.
A bizarre B movie with some bite, Stanley touches on many topics of the time – Vietnam, racism, animal cruelty, and drugs. Delving deepest into Tim’s Vietnam PTSD, he often gets bizarre headaches, and instead of dealing with his issues, becomes a recluse only interested in talking to his snakes. He is in many ways a tragic figure, despite his rather defensive if murderous turn, until a final act kidnapping comes out of the blue. . . with a rather weird romance popping up between him and the fashion designer’s daughter Susie (Susan Carroll) – it taking some rather religious undertones from the Garden of Eden. I’m still not quite sure what to make of it.
In some ways unintentionally humorous, perhaps the funniest angle is stripper Gloria’s husband, Sidney (Rey Baumel), confounded by the fact that his club is floundering. With only his aged wife working for him on the stage, it’s hard to fathom why things aren’t going so well. Likewise, Alex Rocco makes the most of his screen time. Telling people of his famed morning swimming lap routine, he instead floats around the pool, while his real exercise regimen entails partially lifting two pound weights and shadow boxing for approximately five seconds. His final dive into the pool will not be quickly forgotten.
At its best, a drive-in spectacle living for the countless real snakes that grace the screen, at its worst, floundering under its plodding pacing for an exploitation horror flick, Stanley can at times scare, slither, and snap, while at others, feels shabby, strange, and sad. So, take a bite out of this 70s B movie, just don’t grab the apple.