***Full disclosure here. . . this film should probably not be reviewed in my regular section (better suited as one of my Missed the Bloody Cut write-ups), yet somehow, this sub par horror movie won me over – so, beware, and take this review with a grain of salt (unless you have high blood pressure – in that case, you should love it).***
A bizarre, below B grade indie horror/sci-fi/teen sex comedy hybrid, 1985’s Evils of the Night, co-written and directed by Mardi Rustam, attempts to bring in the most popular genre films of the decade – think a combination of Friday the 13th, The Thing, and Revenge of the Nerds (minus the nerds), making for a surprisingly entertaining, if poor film (that all revolves around a battle of the ages – notice I used the word ‘of’ instead of ‘for’).
An overly excessive, gloriously pushed to the brink example of the 80s indie horror scene, you’ll see more legs and breasts than in a family size bucket of KFC chicken, more hair than a twenty-four pack of Busch beer, and, as it is mostly set in a picturesque forest, you’ll see more hardwood than softwood – if you catch my drift. Of course, I’m talking about the raucous teen party going on here, including some fetching young men and women – engaged couple Ron (Keith Fisher) and Heather (Bridget Holloman), as well as poor Brian (David Hawk), who endlessly struggles to win over ditzy blonde Connie (G.T. Taylor) and the slightly less ditzy Nancy (Karrie Emerson). Now, before you feel too sorry for the girls in regards to the nudity, for these young actresses, fear not – ringers, and by that, I mean pornstars (i.e. Amber Lynn, Crystal Breeze), were brought in for the edgier stuff.
To return to that battle of the ages comment once more, these hapless teens will have to outsmart (good luck) a group of human-looking ancient aliens that resemble former 1960s (and earlier) celebrities. . . wait, is that Ginger from Gilligan’s Island?. . . and Catwoman from the tv series Batman?. . . and golden age of Hollywood star John Carradine?. . . yes, the platelet collecting alien faction consists of Cora (Tina Louise), Dr. Zarma (Julie Newmar), and head of the operation, Dr. Kozmar (John Carradine) – all carrying a Green Lantern-like ring for communication and tasering. Also of note, the two ladies wear what looks like it could be the attire for 7-11, circa 2220 – surprisingly short spacy green futuristic dresses.
The garish pinup style one sheet poster for Evils of the Night, with a spaceship that looks a little too much like the Millennium Falcon
Too old to do their own dirty work, they have hired dim-witted elderly mechanics, Kurt (film noir icon Neville Brand) and Fred (memorable character actor Aldo Ray), to nab the teens for them. Imagine this, the pair of grease monkeys are smart enough to wear ski masks, but continue to wear their mechanics garb with name tags sewn onto them. . . though this is a battle of the ages, it is definitely not a battle of the brains.
Transporting the teens to a sketchy hospital (looking like it has been fabricated out of a dilapidated motel), it takes a while for our partying teens and twenty-somethings to realize some of their buddies are missing. When they do, they’ll blunder their way through a violent tête-à-tête with the mechanics. . . giant drills, metal tools, mechanic lifts – nothing will be off limits in this battle royale – there’s that word again.
Silly, sleazy, frivolous fun, this is a perfect example of cheesy B movie madness. Throwing everything at us but the kitchen sink (and I think they would have chucked that too if they had the budget), nearly every trope and trick is used in this picture – the jump scare, each character one dimensional in a certain way, teens extricating themselves from the group to find themselves in trouble, cleverly created kills. . . the list goes on and on. Really, there’s not too much more you can say. Is it very well done – not really (thought it does have some surprisingly decent cinematography by Don Stern), is it memorable – yes (but perhaps not the way it should be), is it watchable – maybe (it can be highly entertaining if you’re in the right frame of mind). What I can say is the stupid hijinks can be fun, and watching these former icons spouting slanted sci-fi jargon is bizarrely entertaining. So, beware the Evils of the Night, I’m not quite sure you’ll like what you find.