‘What Could Have Been’ is a continuing look into the reels of film history, analysing movies that could have been something special, but due to problems with script, production, budgetary, or any other type of issue, did not reach its full potential.
Next time you see your friends, you might just want to take a gander into their peepers, for if we learn one thing in today’s feature, it’s that Death Has Blue Eyes (aka The Girl Is a Bomb). A 1976 Greek film written and directed by first time film maker Nico Mastorakis (though his more famous cult classic Island of Death was released first, it was in fact made second), this one is a mish-mash of C movie ideas rolled into a honey-trap of underwhelming baklava (sadly, the Greek pastry does not make an appearance in the flick).
Feeding off of the James Bond and giallo craze of the time (as well as any other genre they could pop in), financed by the porn king of Greece, and with a budget so low that the writer/director would not earn one penny (or should I say drachma), in the end, it does intriguingly share some similarities with Brian De Palma’s Carrie – which was released the same year as this one. Keep in mind, perhaps, the fact that this is arguably the first supernatural film to be made in Greece – so maybe we can be kind in saying that it has a good concept that just isn’t executed particularly well.
Following two wild and crazy guys, charming drifter Robert Kowalski (Peter Winter) has weaseled his way to Greece to visit his good friend (perhaps with benefits – this seems to be ahead of its time), Ches Gilford (Hristos Nomikos) – a slick scallywag and gigolo with ouzo pumping through his veins. These two enjoy sharing everything together – be it schemes, scams, or squeezes.
Getting lucky one too many times, their conniving ways are eventually noticed by two women, matriarchal Geraldine (Jessica Dublin) and the mysterious Christine (Maria Aliferi). Instead of ratting them out, they hire the pair as personal bodyguards, as a group of assassins are out to get them (funnily enough, they didn’t even ask to see their resumes). Though maybe they do have enough experience, as Robert supposedly served in Vietnam, while Ches is a part time race car driver and karate expert. . . you just have to wonder what restaurant the former waited at and which thrift store the latter found his black belt in (and why he’s getting motors running in bed instead of making millions on the F1 circuit).
Learning that Christine has the ability to read minds (as well as holding more dangerous telekinetic abilities), it is hard to fathom why these two women (who are in constant danger) would want a pair of unreliable nincompoops as their own personal bodyguards, as they always seem to be resting on their laurels. . . but what their successful past efforts are, I could not tell you. Will this fabricated foursome be able to survive the never-ending onslaught of hitmen and women? What is the global conspiracy at the centre of these constantly globetrotting ladies?
Despite a mess of a script (that features gaps in logic, poor dialogue, and meandering mindlessness), the action does look quite crisp. The peppy chase scenes are extremely well shot, with cars, motorcycles, and a helicopter all coming into play (transcending its minuscule budget). Despite these thrilling moments, its chaotic jumble of genres never weaves together, giving the viewer a sense of losslessness. Also, it’s hard to understand why these two hired hands never seem to be doing their job. . . perhaps it’s because the porno producer expected a number of sex scenes (intriguingly, they are more playful and comedic than exploitative – feeling more like an R rated Austin Powers than anything overly raunchy). Examples of this include Robert, having been left behind on the side of the road, being picked up by an F1 driver (who just happens to be cruising the highways of rural Greece) who turns out to be a black woman (another example of its more liberal outlook), or a ménage à trois with an apron wearing blonde on a rotating round bed – oh, behave! Though really, none of this should be considered too shocking, after all, Odyssey’s featuring Sirens have been the in thing in Greece for oh, 2700 years.
Potential unfulfilled, Death Has Blue Eyes will have you asking, why are these two men even in this story, as they lack any skills, while Christine has the power to do basically anything. Saying that, this should not be taken too seriously, judging from its everything but the kitchen sink approach. Full disclosure here. . . this one is outrageously bad and would be best enjoyed with a group of friends knowing what you’re all getting into. So, remove ‘girl’ and add ‘film’ to this movie’s alternate title – you’ll learn that it truly ‘is a bomb’ that is missing the Midas Touch. . . though maybe I’m in the wrong, after all, it’s all Greek to me.
This film is in dubbed English