What Could Have Been: The Ice Pirates

‘What Could Have Been’ is a continuing look into the reels of film history, analysing movies that could have been something special, but due to problems with script, production, budgetary, or any other type of issue, did not reach its full potential.

The year is 1977. . . and several movies are being hyped – none of which is Star Wars. Smokey and the Bandit, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, The Spy Who Loved Me. . . the list goes on and on, yet the George Lucas feature was not expected to go anywhere. Lucas had shown it to many of his friends (before it was even close to finished), Brian De Palma bluntly saying, “I don’t mean to sound harsh, but … what is this shit?”. As the rest of his buddies concurred, the lone voice of support came from the one and only Steven Spielberg – seeing the potential and future for his friend’s creative vision.

With a studio equally as unenthused – they released it on Wednesday, May 25th, in just over thirty theatres. . . Lucas decided to lick his wounds on the beaches in Hawaii. Yet, as you know, the unexpected occurred, and a little film called Star Wars became a worldwide juggernaut.

Of course, this is not about Star Wars, but rather, what it brought about. Soon, studios were scrambling to find their own movie magic. Paramount immediately re-released their 1968 motion picture Barbarella – adding ‘Queen of the Galaxy’ below the title and developing a very Star Wars-esque poster for theatres, while an array of spoofs and knock-offs followed over the next decade. There are the famous – Spaceballs; the lesser known – Starcrash, Battle Beyond the Stars, Star Odyssey, Space Raiders; and, there was also the film that will be looked at today, 1984’s The Ice Pirates.

If Star Wars is to be looked at as a space western, then, in a sense, it would seem to be a somewhat clever take to make a space pirate movie as well. Directed and co-written by Stewart Raffill (the other scribe is Stanford Sherman – one of the writers on the original Batman series), it follows. . . hold onto your seats. . . a group of pirates who steal ice. No, this is not some sort of sneaky take on drugs (referencing crystal meth), they are in a universe where only one group of people control all of the water (and ice) – the Templars of Mithra (who also destroy planets that have the vital natural resource).

Following a team of wildcard pirates, their leader is shoot from the hip Jason (Robert Urich), who, along with right hand man Roscoe (Michael D. Roberts), lone female Maida (Anjelica Huston), and unfortunate Zeno (Ron Perlman), board a Templar ship, and do pirate-like stuff – expect cheeky attitudes, heroic swinging from ropes, and a spur of the moment kidnapping. . . for Jason falls head over heels for a princess, Karina (Mary Crosby), found sleeping in some sort of cryogenic pod.

As these things go, the team is forced to split up, with Jason and Roscoe taking the princess, while Maida and Zeno escape with the giant ice cubes. The triumvirate find themselves caught, the men sentenced to slavery (a disturbingly comedic process that revolves around castration, ridiculous outfits and dyed white hair – does this remind anyone of a Bond henchman?), while Karina is returned to her luscious birdcage of a semi-prison. It is on this disastrous collision course with castration that Jason and Roscoe bond with Killjoy (John Matuszak – the NFLer), a rugged, if lighthearted criminal. Fortunately, Karina is able to rally the troops, helping them to escape before the evil Zorn (Jeremy West), a puppet to the master known as the Supreme Commander (John Carradine), captures them.

Revealing that her father has disappeared searching for the rumoured ‘Seventh World’ – a planet said to have limitless amounts of water, the team, now fully reunited, head out to follow the elusive clues that may or may not lead them to Karina’s father, and the not-yet-found ‘Seventh World’.

Frankly, this one is a bit of a mess, yet it is somewhat understandable why. Originally meant to have a twenty million dollar budget, Metro Goldwyn Meyer was in serious financial trouble, which led them to put an eight million dollar cap on all projects. Bringing in Raffill, he was forced to re-write it as more of a B movie sci-fi adventure that had more comedic elements, while the film’s producer, John Foreman, got into a major fight with Raffill, leading to him cutting the money flow and attempting to throw a monkey wrench into the whole project. In fact, the entire ending of the picture was removed by the studio head – a visually stunning piece that would have furthered the dénouement.

Yet, there are some cool things to like about The Ice Pirates. Firstly, it is a treat seeing actors Anjelica Huston and Ron Perlman in early roles, while Bruce Vilanch shows up towards the end as a weird talking head named Wendon. . . also keep an eye open for a cameo from Max Von Sydow as one of the bounty hunters in the desert. There are also a few entertaining scenes, from the opening action sequence (which fuses comedy with some decent action), to the quirky climax which finds the characters rapidly aging as they travel through some sort of wormhole. Plus, there is always something oddly appealing about watching a film with really cheesy sci-fi weapons and gadgets – though I must say whoever thought the lame brawling robots were a good idea was sadly mistaken.

A bewilderingly busy Star Wars inspired adventure comedy, The Ice Pirates swashbuckled its way into theatres and somehow made a little over five million on top of its modest budget. . . yet has since disappeared into obscurity – for some quite understandable reasons. Part of numerous films that tried to feed off of the George Lucas franchise, it is by no means the best, but trust me, it is not the worst. So, board this ship at your own risk, this cheese hasn’t aged quite right.