‘What Could Have Been’ is a continuing look into the reels of film history, analysing movies that could have been something special, but due to problems with script, production, budgetary, or any other type of issue, did not reach its full potential.
Every once in a while, you stumble upon such a film travesty, you just can’t wrap your head around how it can be so. At the 51st Academy Awards – held in 1979, “Last Dance”, a ditty from Thank God It’s Friday won Best Original Song, while the twangy rock tune, “Well, They’re Vampire Hookers. . . and blood is not all they suck”, the theme song from the American/Filipino co-production Vampire Hookers (1978), somehow didn’t even get nominated – go figure.
A quirky exploitation horror comedy directed by Cirio H. Santiago, the premise is not actually half bad: furlough enjoying Navy men Tom Buckley (Bruce Fairbairn) and Terry Wayne (Trey Wilson) are fresh off the boat, looking for some fun in this undisclosed Asian locale. . . only to soon discover that, after a night of partying, their commander, CPO Taylor (Lex Winter), who was being chauffeured around the city by graveyard shift working taxi driver Julio (Leo Martinez), has gone missing.
After some amateur sleuthing, they discover that his last known location was an eerie cemetery that holds a deep dark secret. Hidden within the main tomb of a dilapidated mausoleum is a shagadelic fang pad run by Richmond Reed (John Carradine – his character’s moniker is his actual first and middle name), who shares the tricked out cavern with his three quirky she-vamps: Cherish (Karen Stride), Suzy (Lenka Novak), and Marcy (Katie Dolan). Spending the days. . . or should I say nights, pointlessly discussing their passions and frustrations, you’ll hear Reed spout his favourite poetry, and the ladies discuss missing their past lives – everything from suntanning to men. They are also aided by a buck toothed, machine gun farting, hopeful vampire (but ever the manservant) Pavo (Vic Diaz).
Clashing these two chickenhearted military men with three women of the night (both literally and figuratively), their poetic pimp (of sorts), as well as their overweight off-gasser, this might just set the burial groundwork for a battle of the ages.
A so bad it’s kinda good comedic take on the horror genre, you can sort of see this as a poorly done exploitative update on an Abbott and Costello style spookfest. Tom’s the brave one, Jerry (oops, I mean Terry) is the anxious one, together, this dream team will have limited talent, lack foresight, and demonstrate almost no problem solving skills as they wing their way towards these batty bloodsuckers. . . Tom and Jerry may actually have a better chance than these two (and their acting skills might be better).
With an overdose of one liners (i.e. “coffins are for being laid to rest, not for being laid.”), more Shakespeare than nearly any other production – outside of an adaptation of one of Bill’s plays (remember, farting is such sweet sorrow), a fangtastic foursome, mixed drinks (who knew blood and vodka worked so well together), a catchy tune (I’m actually being serious) and so much more, Vampire Hookers might blow, but it definitely doesn’t suck. It has moments of cool cinematography, some fun gags, as well as several scares and tons of titillation. . . just don’t expect too much from most of the cast, nor the production values. So, fall hooker, line, and stinker for this piece of 70s cheese, though it might not be poetry in motion, if I remember correctly, a wise Shakespeare, clearly foreseeing this project once wrote, “A whore! A whore! My kingdom for a whore!”. . . but methinks my memory fails me.