‘What Could Have Been’ is a continuing look into the reels of film history, analysing movies that could have been something special, but due to problems with script, production, budgetary, or any other type of issue, did not reach its full potential.
Mrs. Doctor Graves: “Poor Daddy’s been under such a strain recently.”
Mary Graves: “If you ask me, he’s acting like he just killed someone.”
Mrs. Doctor Graves: “Mary! Your father’s a doctor. . . he kills people every day.”
Eighteen years before Scary Movie ruthlessly parodied countless horror tropes (leading to four sequels that varied from hilarious to unwatchable), there was an original spoof film that prodded at the intricacies of the horror genre, 1982’s Wacko, directed by Greydon Clark.
In a way comparable to Mel Brooks’ High Anxiety (I know what you’re thinking – how?), Brooks and his team fell into the trap of spending more time trying to honour and satirize Alfred Hitchcock’s motion pictures instead of forming a workably entertaining story. Similarly, the most fun you’ll have watching this disjointed effort is looking for the references to other horror movies – and less so the product as a whole.
Revolving around a murder that occurred thirteen years previously (on Halloween), gumshoe detective Dick Harbinger (Joe Don Baker) has been haunted by it ever since. The same can be said for Mary Graves (Julia Duffy), who witnessed the life-changing act of a pumpkin-head-wearing man running down teenagers (including her sister) on a riding lawnmower.
Now in high school herself, she is still traumatized by the event (screaming, having flashbacks, sexually frustrated, and an all-around mess). . . while Harbinger gets worked up every year on the anniversary of the murders – wallowing in a disturbed version of high alert, much to the chagrin of his superior, Chief O’Hara (Charles Napier).
Yet, is there reason for Mary to be nervous? She does have a rather perverted father, Doctor Graves (George Kennedy) – who everyone assumes is a doctor (but that is simply his first name), a completely oblivious mother (Stella Stevens), a rather perturbed brother, Damien (Michael Lee Gogin), a boyfriend ominously named Norman Bates (Scott McGinnis) – who brings his mother over for dinner one night. . . while the prime suspect, the school’s janitor, Zeke (Anthony James) is still around, there is a guy whose credit simply reads Weirdo (Sonny Carl Davis) who randomly pops up, and The Looney (David Drucker) has escaped from the local mental asylum (another suspect from that night). And, if you’ve ever had any mistrust in Danny Zuko, then you’ll be very suspicious of Tony Schlongini (Andrew Dice Clay’s first role). Basically, everyone is a suspect. . . especially people like Doctor, who, every time he gets caught peeping simply claims he is ‘mowing the lawn’, or her beau, who, when he gets aroused, makes loud lawnmower sounds – yes, it is as strange as it sounds.
A bizarre concoction of unexpected talent (still a bit of a head-scratcher as to how they got Joe Don Baker, George Kennedy, Stella Stevens and Charles Napier – well, part of it probably has to do with the fact nearly half of its $600,000 budget went to paying them), kitschy horror, comic missteps combined with a few gags that hit, and numerous references to an age of horror resurgence, Wacko will have you asking whether you’d cheer for Hitchcock’s Birds or De Palma’s Knives if you had the option. And, while we’re at it, look for references to The Omen, The Exorcist, The Island of Dr. Moreau, numerous slasher flicks (including Halloween, Prom Night and Friday the 13th), the works of both Hitchcock (listen for the use of the Alfred Hitchcock Presents theme multiple times) and De Palma, film noir in general (Baker’s character is entirely a spoof of the disenchanted, overworked investigators of the genre), and one of the scariest movies of all, Grease (that is, if you don’t like musicals). And, if you want to see references, just read this note left by the killer, “It’s Halloween, it’s prom night, there’s a psycho loose, so don’t open the door, don’t answer the phone, don’t look in the attic, don’t go to the bathroom, don’t go into the ocean, and don’t go into space `cause no one can hear you scream. Signed, A Friend.”. So, see this piecemeal horror comedy if you dare. . . now I leave you with an important message George Kennedy passes along after the film has concluded, “One very serious point: lawnmowers don’t kill people. People kill people.”