Unwelcome Caller

Ah, the summer rental. . . a long held tradition that holds within it the unique ability to escape the intense grind of day to day life, allowing renters to find peace and quiet, comfort, family bonding, with some oft beautiful site-seeing along the way. But sadly, this isn’t always how it turns out. . . case in point, 1976's Burnt Offerings, co-written and directed by Dan Curtis (based on the novel of the same name by Robert Marasco). The Rolf’s, author Ben (Oliver Reed), his wife Marian (Karen Black), their tween son David (Lee Montgomery), and Ben’s artsy aunt, Elizabeth (Bette Davis), are fortunate enough to have found a stunning (if dilapidated) 19th century mansion to rent for the all-too-good price of nine hundred dollars – yes, for the entire summer! The only caveat that is added by owners Arnold and Roz Allardyce (Burgess Meredith and Eileen Heckart), is that their elderly private mother, who is in her mid eighties, is going to stay in her attic flat. . . and it will be their job to bring her a tray of food for each meal (though due to her reclusive state, they are required to leave the food outside her door).

Building upon ages of vampiric lore whilst finding its own creative place in a lengthy fang toothed oeuvre, Spain’s Count Dracula’s Great Love (1973), co-written and directed by Javier Aguirre, aims for fusing sensuality and sensitivity with a mesmeric gothic atmosphere. . . and let’s not forget some 70s era gore (for good measure). Following a group of four women: Senta (Rosanna Yanni), Karen (Haydée Politoff), Elke (Mirta Miller), and Marlene (Ingrid Garbo), and a male friend, Imre Polvi (Víctor Barrera), they are unfortunate enough to have carriage trouble whilst traveling through the Carpathian Mountains (though, at least, the women all seem to have a ridiculous amount of lingerie – priorities, right?).

Every once in a while, you stumble upon such a film travesty, you just can’t wrap your head around how it can be so. At the 51st Academy Awards – held in 1979, “Last Dance”, a ditty from Thank God It’s Friday won Best Original Song, while the twangy rock tune, “Well, They’re Vampire Hookers. . . and blood is not all they suck”, the theme song from the American/Filipino co-production Vampire Hookers (1978), somehow didn’t even get nominated – go figure. A quirky exploitation horror comedy directed by Cirio H. Santiago, the premise is not actually half bad: furlough enjoying Navy men Tom Buckley (Bruce Fairbairn) and Terry Wayne (Trey Wilson) are fresh off the boat, looking for some fun in this undisclosed Asian locale. . . only to soon discover that, after a night of partying, their commander, CPO Taylor (Lex Winter), who was being chauffeured around the city by graveyard shift working taxi driver Julio (Leo Martinez), has gone missing.

A kitschy, quirky cult classic, Fright Night (1985), written and directed by Tom Holland (no, not Spiderman – he wasn’t even born yet), fuses vampiric horror elements with satirical comedy, bringing with it comparisons to a film four years its senior, An American Werewolf in London. Charley Brewster (William Ragsdale), is your prototypical teenager. . . a girl loving, movie obsessed high schooler growing up in boring suburbia. With a single mother, Judy Brewster (Dorothy Fielding), who is always working odd hours – she’s a nurse, most of his time is spent with his on again/off again girlfriend, Amy Peterson (Amanda Bearse). During one of their make-out sessions, Charley’s favourite show, Fright Night (hosted by actor Peter Vincent – named after Peter Cushing and Vincent Price, played by Roddy McDowall), is running in the background when he spots some unwonted activity next door.

If you’ve ever wanted to see what Freaky Friday mixed with Friday the 13th would look like (outside of a Wheel of Fortune ‘Before & After’ category), then you’re in luck, as 2020's Freaky, which deftly mixes horror and comedy, is for you. Co-written and directed by Christopher Landon, Millie (Kathryn Newton) is a senior in high school. . . a girl struggling with her depressed, alcoholic mother, Paula (Katie Finneran) – who is recently widowed, a group of manipulative female bullies, a prick of a teacher, Mr. Bernardi (Alan Ruck – channeling his inner Mr. Rooney), and going seemingly unnoticed by her crush, Booker Strode (Uriah Shelton). . . plus it doesn’t help that she is known as the school’s beaver – no, this isn’t some sort of hussy-infused sexual slang, she is actually their mascot (the majestic, often Canadian associated buck-toothed rodent). In fact, if it wasn’t for her two besties, Nyla (Celeste O’Connor) and Josh (Misha Osherovich), she’d be completely lost.

The final Missed the Bloody Cut of this October (and this year), enjoy these three out-there horror movies that didn’t make the grade, but deserve to be recognized for a number of reasons anyway. Happy Halloween everyone!